Observation on Mental Health Meltdowns

I will explain more when I have the spoons; for now, I'm just writing this to have a record.  I don't actually have any idea what sort of meltdown this was: was it autism? a severe depressive episode? something else? some combination of things?  But the way I perceived it while I was hiding under my weighted blanket, thrashing and screaming about wanting to die--at least in those moments I could perceive anything other than pain--was that my mind was a small animal in a trap, very confused and in immense agony, flinging itself against the walls but not able to form thoughts large enough to do anything really dangerous because it couldn't plan ahead.

I am more stable now, though scared I will end up back there shortly. 

Summary of my current mental health crisis...

 A summary of the current situation, for those worried about me.  (I.e. anyone who's communicated with me in the past day or two, honestly.) 

Trigger warnings for discussion of circumcision and severe trauma related to it.  Also trigger warnings for discussion of suicidality, self-harm, and severe mental distress.

The conversation that triggered this was with a couple of people who may be reading this post.  I don't blame them at all for what happened, but they may find reading this painful, and I suspect they may not want to read it at all.  They are welcome to if they want to, though.

 

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I've scheduled an emergency phone session with my therapist for 5:00pm this evening, and an emergency in-person one for 7:00pm on Monday.

 

I do not believe I'm currently in any danger, and I'm really sorry for the amount of stress I've put a lot of you through today.